NU-METAL SHOWDOWN: A CAUTIONARY TALE
It seems so long ago now that I sat down
and wrote this statement of intent on various social media
sites:
“So many nu-metal vocalists shout that they're going
to beat someone up, yet so few of them are credible physical threats.
The eternal paradox. If a skinny dude with hair twizzles, a scrappy
long chin beard and bad tattoos comes at me I'm unlikely to feel
fear. That's all I'm saying.
Well, what I'm actually saying is
that you should all fund my new Patreon project, a blog where I tour
the world and fight nu-metal singers against their will. It starts
small - slightly good-natured, grubby dust-wrestling with David
Draiman - but leads up to a grand climax where I kick the absolute
fuck out of Chester Bennington.”
Oh, the wild elegiac fancies of youth.
What strange desires and misguided intellectual wanderings led me to
this fever dream, and could I have strayed from the path laid down by
these words even if I could have known the Stygian depths to which I
would fall?
As reported by reputable news sites the
world over, my Patreon campaign broke several records and resulted in
beautifully-worded tributes from both celebrities and the general
public. I'll include some here, since it is vital to your
understanding of this whole affair that you understand what led to
the proud swelling of my chest as I strode forth to my Herculean
task.
And then, of course, this infamous
missive. Only later would the full significance of these words be
felt, but at the time all I knew was that a gauntlet had been laid
down. Would I rise to this challenge? Could I?
Fight #1 – David Draiman
Since I had named my first and last
targets online, I was aware that they would know I was coming. It was
possible that they would have prepared a welcome for me in the form
of traps, bodyguards or simply through intense last-minute physical
training. With that in mind, I knew that for my first fight I would
have to strike fast and hard.
Perhaps Draiman foolishly
believed the online sensation of #numetalshowdown to be an idle
threat, or perhaps he was simply overconfident. Whatever his
reasoning, he made a tragic mistake the moment he chose to set foot
outside his house that hot summer morning. Tracking him by scent and
spoor, I followed him as he bought breakfast from a street vendor and
strolled away. Sensing that the moment was now, I leapt out on him
from the bushes and tackled him to the ground. We rolled through some
plastic netting and down an embankment onto the dry earth of a
construction site.
“I have come for you, David Draiman!” I
roared, though the last three words were somewhat muffled as he
thrust into my face the breakfast bagel that he was still clutching
desperately, not yet ready to abandon sustenance in the presence of a
fierce rival. It's entirely possible that he intended to consume it
for a mid-fight energy boost, though this half-formed plan was left
in tatters as his blind panic forced the dense bread and cheesy egg
treat into my mouth.
I bit down hard on his fingers, causing a
shrill “OOH AH AH AH AH!” to erupt from his fear-curled lips. This
was to be the calm before the storm however, for swiftly Draiman
lifted me bodily off the ground with bear-like strength and slammed
me into the dirt. We rolled apart, got to our feet and circled each
other with menacing intent. My memory is somewhat clouded with the
pure adrenaline thrill of nu-metal conflict, but I believe I slammed
my fists into my nipples in inarticulate simian rage.
The rest is a blur of body hair,
flexing muscles and animal grunting. Suffice to say that four hours
later we were drained and broken, clad only in sweat and the roiling
heat haze. A huge crowd had gathered, screaming and cheering in equal
measure whenever one of us would pitch the other face-first into a
cement mixer or swat our opponent down with a brick hod. Some
observers would tell me later that they experienced a homoerotic
thrill from this incredible scene, despite the fact that Draiman and
I were only partially erect.
In the end this first titanic conflict
came down to stamina, and years of bellowing onstage had left Draiman
capable of sustaining his savage defence for only so long. We both
knew when the end had come, and after one final belly-to-belly suplex
he stayed on his knees. Eschewing eye contact, Draiman simply nodded
once, silently and stoically. His weird chin-piercing things
glittered under Helios' harsh gaze.
I returned his nod, and
raised my arms to silence the suddenly ecstatic crowd. Several of
them ran forward to towel me down, and I instructed them to see to my
fallen opponent first as a mark of respect for both his resilience
and his noble acceptance of fate.
Casting my eyes to the midday sun, I
whispered a single name to the still air. A name that had mocked me
in my weakest moments since the dark hour when I first read that
accursed tweet.
“Fred Durst. Freeeeeeeed Duuuuuuuurst...”
Looking back upon it now, that first
soil-caked encounter with David Draiman was where it should all have
ended. A decent victory, a pure victory, with the loser left able to
hold his head up high with pride. A fight lost honestly to an alpha
beast, with a body left battered but intact, is not a cause for
shame.
It is to my detriment that this went
further, and deeper, into abyssal chasms of grave destiny.
Fight #2 – Jacoby Shaddix
While my immediate desire was to engage
my nemesis Fred Durst in direct open combat, I felt that I had to
grant the pantheon of nameless gods that had invested me with such potence another sacrifice
before I was worthy enough to transform the Limp Bizkit frontman into
a gasping, broken wreck.
The crowd that had gathered to see me
hammer Draiman into exhausted, glistening meat had given me a taste
for spectacle, and I felt the need to ensure this second matchup also
took place in front of a baying mob. My plans were laid down, and
executed flawlessly. There was only bliss and thunder in my mind as I
stepped out from the wings onto the stage of a prominent metal
festival. The vast crowd immediately fell silent. I suspect Shaddix
had felt my presence scant seconds before this ominous omen, and
wheeled on the spot. He nodded once, in grim acceptance, then made an
almost indistinguishable gesture with his free hand.
At this
signal, his bandmates leapt to the fray. Cowardly perhaps, but also a
sound tactical decision. No doubt he anticipated that I would be
slowed and exhausted so much by the auxiliary Papa Roach onslaught
that I would succumb to his scheming follow-through assault. But it
was all for naught, as I slammed aside the henchmen with ease. A sickening crunch of bones followed, as one by one they all fell to the wayside.
Horton gave me the most trouble, his straight-edge powers infusing
his fists with enough strength to strike home not once but two times on
my weaving frame.
But in the end Horton was tossed fifty feet
into the crowd, who closed around his weakly struggling form with a
great howl. I am told that hours later, after the area was cleared
with gas, all that remained of him were bones cracked open for the
sweet marrow within. I turned to face Shaddix, who was pale with the
realisation that his gambit had failed.
In the sudden quiet I
spoke.
“Coby Dick, this is your blackest
hour.”
In a flash, enraged by this use of a defunct
stagename, Shaddix leapt towards me. Borne aloft to the height of
several men on a crest of black lightning, he spat incantations in
the language of forgotten U'lakri, where the first men and women were
doomed by their own damned hubris. As he came for me, one hand was
curled into a frenzied claw to focus his forbidden magics. With the
other he bashed his microphone into the side of his head in mock
angst, just hard enough to appear sincere but not enough to do any
permanent damage.
It was a feeble last resort. All his bleak
sorcery availed him not. The black lightning broke apart upon my
shining brow, I caught him by his neck in one coiled fist and bore
him to the ground. He passed out then, partially from terror but also
likely from a great deal of internal bleeding.
The crowd gave
off a single ululating cry and began to copulate wildly in
celebration. They became one single mass of bad eyeliner, baggy jeans
and those chunky multicoloured bracelet things. It was a true horror,
and I fled the scene as soon as I stopped quivering in glory.
Fight #3 – Fred Durst
The time had come. Energised by the
defeat of the ghastly being that had come to dwell in the form of
Coby Dick, I decided to face Fred Durst. For days I stalked his
friends and family, to no avail. Clearly, he had decided that he
would choose the time and place of our forthcoming battle. With this
realisation, I waited. Hours later a messenger arrived, clad in the
red cap and slack jaw of one of Durst's disciples. He held in his
malformed hands an elegantly embossed card, upon which was printed an
address and a single sentence.
“Come if you dare, y'all.”
I dared. Dear reader, I dared too
much.
Arriving at the address within the hour, I beheld a
seemingly innocent office building. Knowing that there must be more
to this everyday scene, I entered through invitingly askew glass
doors that swung gently in the breeze. But I had underestimated the
resourcefulness of my opponent! With a crash trapdoors opened beneath
me, spilling me into a metal chute through which I plunged into his
subterranean lair.
Of the perils there I will not speak, but
suffice to say that there were ingenious traps and hungry beasts
aplenty. I suspect I will permanently bear the surface burns earned
by carelessly leaping through a web of contracting laser
defences, though the sharkbite on my upper thigh is fading day by
day.
Finally I stood on a high metal
platform, facing Durst on his throne of irradiated steel and ragged
photos of famous girls he has claimed to have fucked online. Cracking
my knuckles, I told him that his diversions had failed him.
“It
don't matter, son. Ya gotta have faith.” he cackled.
And with that, it began. We stood but a
foot apart, trading identical blows. The cold green glare of his
tactical weapon displays shone on our strangely calm faces as each
strike hit home. Later, in the eerie silence that follows battle, I
would examine these and discover that he was mere days away from a
devastating biological assault on the United Nations.
In the end, a moment of distraction was
all it took. I had realised that we were an even match, and I would
need some kind of psychological edge. I planted one final gargantuan
punch to his sternum, before choosing the words that would bring me
the victory I sought.
“You're a shit rapper, mate. Well
shit. WELL shit.”
He hesitated for a second, appalled at the
sudden clarity this truth afforded him. In that moment I grasped him
and lofted him high above my head, before bringing him down and
shattering his spine on my knee. He dropped to the floor, broken. I
had won, but even then, in my majesty, shadows began to eat at my
soul.
I had destroyed not only his pride, but his body. Was
this what I truly wanted? Grimly, I went forth to end this. On a
scrap of paper in my pocket, names had been scrawled hastily in
crayon and then smudged out with my own ecstatic juices. Only one
remained.
Chester Bennington.
As I sit in my study, only regret sits
inside my heart now. These final words will be as an epitaph for me,
even though I'm actually still alive and fine and quite looking
forward to the Game Of Thrones season finale tomorrow.
Fight #4 – Chester Bennington
Chester had known I was coming since
all this began. But with no will to resist, he simply awaited the
inevitable. No preparations had been made, no allies sought and no
deceptions prepared.
I found him alone on a wild windswept
cliff, looking out to sea under an azure sky dotted with clouds. I
stood beside him for some time. Eventually he murmured “Beautiful...
so beautiful.” under his breath, then walked a few paces away from
me. He mustered as competent a martial arts pose as he could, and
waited for me to initiate our conflict.
It was clear within
but a few exchanges of fist, foot and elbow that he stood little
chance of resisting. But he had an innocent resolve that I now find
far more honourable and princely than any of my actions through this
sordid campaign. Moments later I stood over him, holding his fragile
form up by the hem of his bloodstained wifebeater vest. He gazed at
me then with terrible understanding.
“I tried so hard...” he began to
speak, with the voice of a doomed angel. What the rest of those words
were, we will never know. For I was overcome with a dogged bloodlust
that had sunk its roots deep into my pounding heart. I closed one
fist tight and with a single blow, struck into his babylike face and
through the back of his head.
There, stood on the edge over the
swirling waves, with seagulls crying out for my vanquished foe and
his brain matter dripping softly from my knuckles, I was struck by
two thoughts.
Firstly, that I had irretrievably wounded my
immortal soul.
And secondly, that perhaps my Patreon
campaign had gone a bit too far.
I let Chester Bennington drop from my
grasp, over the edge of the cliff. I have visited there since in
quiet contemplation, and on the very spot where those last moments
played out there now grows a patch of white flowers previously
unknown to sage or scientist. I will leave you to draw your own
conclusions on this fortean occurrence.
Unsure of what was to follow, I turned,
expecting only the birds and the silently judgemental spirits of the
water and sky. But instead a figure stood upon a nearby hill, clad in
dark robes and patiently waiting for me. One final opponent had
sought me out. I had not come to the end of my fall yet.
Fight
#5 – Chino Moreno
A single katana was impaled in a large
boulder ten feet from Chino. He drew back the silken hood of his robe
and indicated towards it with a tilt of his jaw. It was one of those
times where he's lost loads of weight, so there was no wobble.
Inflamed at the audacity of one who would seek me out, I drew
the sword from the granite. It emerged with a rasping groan, and my
enigmatic opponent pulled an identical blade from the folds of his
robe. We stood in a guard position, as thunderclouds rolled in
overhead and rain began to pour from above like the veiled tears of
mighty Apollo.
We remained there for several days,
locked in a mutually evaluating stare so blinding that it seemed that
we smote the air between us in twain.
Then we both struck.
We dashed
towards each other, twisting our bodies and swinging our blades. We
reached ten feet apart again and turned in the crashing downpour. I
glanced down to see the trace of a shallow cut along my flank, then looked
up to see Chino fall to the ground, practically severed in half.
Driven by an impulse I did not yet understand, I ran to him.
I held him in my arms as he passed far away, knowing too late that he
had come to teach me a lesson. I clutched his cooling body to mine
and wailed impotently.
“But the Deftones are fucking
quality! They started out as really good nu-metal and now they're
something else that doesn't really fit in any genre but are always
consistently innovative and excellent! Noooooooo!
CCHHHHHHHHIIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
And with that, it was all
over.
There is nothing more to tell.
I hope that
reading this has proved instructional for you, since as a legacy all
I can now dream of is that others will heed my warnings to never
imperil all that they are by entering into a musical genre-specific
crowdfunded vendetta of bloody combat.